he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
