I think im going to throw up on grandma
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
