Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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