im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
