You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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