Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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