My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
