I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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