I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
