Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
