She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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