apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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