He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I touched a dick in church today
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
