I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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