Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
