I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
