His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
