He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
