Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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