i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
