Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
