I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
