I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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