I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize