This dress was meant to end up on your floor
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
