If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
