just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
