You're completely useless in the revolution.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
