I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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