What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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