Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
