what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize