i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
