I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
