I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
