I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Randomize
