I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
from now on my penis is your penis
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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