I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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