I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
