I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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