My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
