new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
