dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize