Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize