the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
