After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
