my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
