no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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