dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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