So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
