I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
