Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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