Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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