WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
