I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
