my mouth tastes like poor choices
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
