I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
