if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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