I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
