Got a toothbrush?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
