Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
