at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
